Querying. Many will try to guide you toward your best possible chance of obtaining an agent, but maybe you don’t want to succumb to their ideas of success. In fact, your actions aim for the opposite. You want to collect the fewest requests possible and watch your rejections pile higher than ever before. Good news! This is much easier to achieve, and this blog has many methods to help get you started. So, let’s get started.

Make One Standard Query Letter

One of the best and easiest ways to start on your journey toward an epic number of rejections is to write your query letter and then never change it ever again. In fact, don’t bother even reading it over a second time once you’ve done a cursory check for spelling and grammar errors by the automated systems already integrated into your word processor of choice. A truly terrible query letter will only get worse with time as you change, your story does, and the genre you’re writing to does as well. And taking time to tailor your letter to each query is for chumps.

Aimlessly Query Any Agent You Can Find

All agents and publishers can be treated the same when you’re aiming for rejections. Just another opportunity to put a feather in your “I’m a real writer now” cap. Don’t address them by name or give examples of their work you love. Don’t explain why you chose to work with them. In fact, try to learn as little as possible about them to keep focus on your goal. If you’ve happened to meet with the agent before and it would be awkward not to mention it, try instead to remind them of every detail. Don’t be afraid to get chummy. You’re practically best friends. Of course you should be working together.

Give Agents a Real Blow by Blow

To ensure you get rejected, you should not only hook them but drag the story right through them. Make sure you mention as many characters as you can, and spend a good bit of time discussing the themes of your story. Make your synopsis long—several pages, if possible. They’re going to have to read every excruciating detail including minor plot points to really come away feeling like they know what they’re really rejecting.

Never Work with an Editor, and If You Do, Hide It

Industry professionals know that working with an independent editor can help polish your manuscript and simplify their job, so avoid getting help with your writing process. And if you do decide that it would strengthen your writing, make sure your prospective agent doesn’t know it. I would also hide the fact that you did beta reads too, in case you’re wondering.

Make Everything About the Book

In order to sell your book, agents will also need to sell you as an author. So, keep as much about yourself as vague as possible. Don’t mention any publication credits, your profession, or awards you’ve received. Be especially mindful of mentioning any special research you’ve done to write your book or the vision you have for it. The words should stand on their own. Writing a query letter at all is honestly going above and beyond as it is.

Ignore the Well-Known Formula for Formatting and Content

Many literary agents would like a query letter formatted in a particular way in order to simplify their review of it. So a truly unique one will not only make it harder for them to review but bolster your likelihood for a rejection as well. Keep your name secret until the end like a letter and consider leaving important pieces of information like the title and word count out altogether. They can’t move forward with a request with missing information.

Write in a Highly Professional Tone

This is one you’re most likely to already be doing. A great query gives an agent a sense of your authorial voice right from the start, so changing it to something highly formal will flatten you out and make your query unmemorable. It is a business venture, after all, so it might even make sense to throw it in there. Take on a deranged coworker writing an email vibe and either brag about how you’ll be the next bestseller or go out of your way to self-deprecate. Go for buzzword language choices both for business and your genre, but be sure to showcase your personality in the choice of font instead. Something colorful will do nicely.

Harshly Limit the Amount of Time Spent on Each Query

In order to achieve your objective of maximizing rejections, you’re going to have to minimize the amount of time spent putting together the query. A truly dedicated champion of rejections will need to collect as many responses as they can, and quality means nothing in a game of volume. Every rejection counts, so speed is priority.

I can’t be the only one who gets tired of all the cheery advice you read about how to write the perfect query letter to land the perfect agent to start on the perfect publishing journey. It’s all a lie. You and I both know that querying is about rejection. Writers have to be ready and willing to face rejection dozens of times before they’re picked up, but having a good prep team can help you along the way. If you want, we’re here to help.